Thursday, April 1, 2010

Tempers Flare As Patently False 'Pulls A Watterson'

Patently False News
Satire Valley, CA
April 1, 2010

Protesters took to the streets today, in reaction to the news that Patently False will cease its successful run of Twitter headlines. In a terse press release, PF claimed "it was not a recent or easy decision" and that "we have not yet decided on future projects".


Throughout the crowd, reactions were uniformly resentful and upset. One geek was quoted, "In the first place, this is a 'Patently False' announcement on April Fool's Day, so who the hell knows what they are doing. I have put a lot of time and energy into re-tweeting those damn headlines, and frankly I'm pissed that we weren't consulted."

Said a software developer, "You know, PF was the voice for the common geek, trapped in the gray landscape of a dreary day gig. PF let us laugh at ourselves; it was uniquely tuned to our hopes and fears, an oasis in the desert of our day."

"And the worst part," chimed in another, "is that the press release is just a rip-off of Bill Watterson's retirement announcement. I mean, I thought PF was innovative, and loved it, but WTF -- Calvin and Hobbes?! Come on, now. That's some pretty pretentious bullsh-t right there."

The Future

When asked where they might go from here, the group admitted they would still read full news articles by Patently False. However, most said that they will return to The Onion, where "the writing is better, anyway".

One young woman sniffed into a tissue, wiping away a tear, "I just hope The Onion taps into monads or catamorphisms. I really like functional programming."

The protesters chanted for several hours until, finally, local police brought in staff from JetBrains to hand out free licenses for the Ultimate Edition of IntelliJ's IDEA.

Stop The Presses: End Of Headlines

Dear Readers,

We will cease Patently False headlines on Twitter, effective immediately. This was not a recent or an easy decision, and we leave with some sadness. Our interests have shifted, however, and we believe we've done what we can within the constraints of daily deadlines and small tweets. We are eager to work at a more thoughtful pace, with fewer artistic compromises. We have not yet decided on future projects, but our relationship with Blogger will continue.

That so many people would RT @patentlyfalse is an honor, and we've greatly appreciated your support and indulgence over the last year. It has been a privilege and a pleasure: thank you.

the staff at Patently False